How to be a famous KH fanfic writer
by Englishhedgehog13
Summary: Are you tired of your Kingdom hearts fics being read by no one? Do you want people to actually appreciate your work? Well, you're in luck. After reading this guide, no fic of yours will evar go unread by anyone.


**WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FIC CONTAINS HUMOUR, THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY CONSIDER OFFENSIVE! IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE OR CAN'T TAKE A JOKE, READING THIS MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA!**

Hedgy: Howdy there! I am Englishhedgehog, also known as Hedgy. How are you doing? Don't answer, because I don't care. Now be honest. Has this evar happened to you?

Generic fanfiction writer: My Kingdom hearts fics never get more than 722 reviews per chapter. Why won't anyone notice me!? *breaks down crying*

Hedgy: Then you have come to the right place! Here, we will teach you every single possible way for you to make the most successful of Kingdom hearts fics. Once you have taken the information of this guide, not once will a fic of yours never not get no publicity again. And if your fics still aren't well known, even after reading this, that is 100% your fault. And you should probably give up writing, to be honest.

To make sure that the facts that I give are correct, I decided to bring along a few FWATTCATW. What does Fwattcatw stand for? Well, obviously it stands for Fangirls who are tied to chairs against their will!

Fwattcatw 1: We are gonna destroy you, once we get out of this.

Fwattcatw 2: And then you'll never be able to walk again.

Hedgy: Aren't they the sweetest? We made sure to get the most professional, kingdom hearts fanfic writers of all time, just to make sure that you know every hint and tip! Isn't that wonderful?

Fwattcatw 3: Couldn't you at least give us names?

Hedgy: Pffft, do I look like I can be bothered, to use that much imagination? Now without further ado, let's get started! This is our guide on, how to be a famous kingdom hearts fanfiction writer!

Fwattcatw 2: I think I'm starting to get cramps.

Hedgy: That's nice, now suck it up! Alrighty then, let's start with the most popular genre of fanfiction to evar exist. Romance. Now tell me Fwattcatw 1. What's your favourite kingdom hearts pairing?

Fwattcatw 1: Hmmmm... Well, I've been really enjoying RoxasXOlette lately, but I'd have to go with MarluxiaXLarxene.

Hedgy: *bitch-slaps like a baws*

Fwattcatw 1: Hey! What was that for?

Hedgy: We're teaching the viewers how to become famous, not undiscovered! You think that's popular enough to make it to the big leagues? Geez, I'm working with a bunch of amateurs.

Fwattcatw 1: Well personally, I think that the quality of the writing is much more important.

Hedgy: *bitch-slaps*

Fwattcatw 1: STOP THAT!

Hedgy: Since this wench, clearly doesn't get it, let me inform you. You aren't getting anywhere, unless you stick to SoraXKairi, RoxasXNamine, SoraXRiku and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of AxelXRoxas..

Fwattcatw 3: there is no way, that's true!

Hedgy: Now now, crazy fangirl. Don't argue with the person who is much smarter than you. It might damage your brain.

Fwattcatw 3: Just because they're popular...

Hedgy: For some reason.

Fwattcatw 2: AxelXRoxas is just too KAWAII though! And it makes so much sense!

Hedgy: Heh. You think logic comes into shipping. That's cute.

Fwattcatw 3: Well duh, of course it does. We, kingdom hearts fans, have a passion for the beautiful, and clear as day, relationships.

Hedgy: Oh really? Then please explain, where the fuck, DemyxXZexion came from?

Fwattcatw 3: You can just tell when you see them both. That moment of interaction they had, just screamed true love!

Hedgy: Yes, I really enjoyed that passionate conversation that they had. But would you mind telling me when they evar talked to each other?

Fwattcatw 3: Um..., hang on, I'm sure Zexion talked about him in chain of memories.

Hedgy: Yes, I'm sure they would have so much to say to each other. A manipulative master of illusions would surely get along well with a wimpy guitarist.

Fwattcatw 3: That's the point! Are you just so blind, that you don't know that opposites attract?

Hedgy: Yes, that really has a lot to do with it. With logic like that, it's no wonder that LarxeneXSora is such a popular pairing.

Fwattcatw 3: Exactly. ...Wait what?

Hedgy: Now that you know what pairings to use, it's time to use the mindset of a true fanfiction writer. We studied the profiles of many many many writers, and our brain cells were flying out of our ears, like raining candy. We hope to never see another person who claims that RoxasXNamine is canon.

Fwattcatw 1 & 2: BUT IT IS CANON!

Hedgy: Because everyone knows, that 10 minutes of interaction + brief smiling at each other = true love.

Fwattcatw 2: You just don't understand the deep meaning behind their words to each other.

Hedgy: Then, should I be in the mindset that "I wanted to meet you at least once" actually means "I wanted to have you inside me at least once."

Fwattcatw 1: But they're the nobodies of Sora and Kairi! One of the best love stories in gaming history!

Hedgy: Eventhough their personalities and back stories are completely different, as Sora has pointed out many times.

Fwattcatw 1: But you can just see it in their eyes. It's so romantic. *sighs dreamily*

Hedgy: MOVING ON! You're almost ready! You have your popular pairings and you have the mindset of a true fanfiction writer. Now, all you have to do is think of an idea that will hook in all the readers. But what's that? You can't think of a genius and original idea that will amaze people with your creative ways? Well, get out cos you have come to the wrong guide. This is how to be famous, not how to be creative.

So, when you don't have an original idea, you only need one thing. High school fics! With a story that fits closely, with one of the following.

A) Guy 1 and Girl 1 fall in love for no reason, but guy 2 or girl 2 try to break them up cos they love guy 1 or girl 1 for no reason. Then guy or girl 2 probably forces themselves onto guy or girl 1, which their lover then witnesses causing a break up, because they are gullible as all hell. An angsty chapter or two later, and they are back together!

B) Guy 1 is inlove with girl 1 because, reasons. But just when he gains the courage to tell her, there's a new, way better student who girl 1 falls for. Throw in some conflict and drama for a few chapters, then girl 1 realises how perfect guy 1 is, and they live happily evar after!

C) Love triangle between guy 1, girl 1 and guy 2, which the writer tries to keep suspenseful, but makes it so mind numbingly obvious as to who wins, from page 1.

Maybe throw in some drugs, self hate, and stereotyping if you aren't satisfied enough. Cos, everybody loves angst! To the point where it starts to get very creepy. Like this!

Sora would always enter class with his face, overflowing with eyeliner with black, painted lips. He'd sit in the back row, so no one would notice when he started slitting his wrists. The teacher would always give him, various worksheets to do. But he always preferred to write dark poetry that no human can understand. He hates everything and his parents ruin his life. Also, he's addicted to drugs and hookers. He often liked to make trading cards, based on how many suicidal thoughts he could get on a daily basis. If you hadn't worked it out yet, Sora didn't like life very much.

(We interrupt this fanfic to say, that yes. We understand that being suicidal is a serious issue, and isn't something to just ignore. But this is what we call a joke. Get over it, people. Also, I don't know why I keep saying we. This fanfic is being written by one person)

Fwattcatw 1: Ok, that was definitely exaggerated.

Hedgy: You'd be surprised at what I have come across. But, if you're one for the fun highschool fics, then do what every popular writer does. Make the characters, so overwhelmingly perfect, and whimsical that they make happy days looks like a song about the zombie apocalypse. Such as this!

"Roxas went up on stage in front of the entire school. He didn't even look slightly nervous. It was truly, an incredible sight to behold. He stood behind the microphone and took a deep breath. And slowly, he sung his song.

Oh my goodness.

He had the voice of an angel. Every note was sung, beyond perfectly. His voice matched perfectly with his beautiful face and his lovely, orange hair. At that moment, every girl had fallen into a trance from watching him.

Namine was confident. That she would never experience something so amazing again."

Hedgy: ...You know, that wasn't whimsical enough. Let's that try again, but with more accuracy.

"OH WOW, SORA! I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO THE SCHOOL PROM!" Kairi yelled, dreamily, as she swung her arms around the air. "um Kairi. I think you're being a bit too excited about this." The worried brunette moved his hands in an attempt to calm her down.

"BUT SORA! THE WORLD FEELS SO PERFECT TODAY!"

"But it's just another day."

"EXACTLY!"

Before they got the chance to continue bickering, they were joined by their two, good friends. Roxas was basically perfect in every way. Yes, people like that exist. And if you don't realise that, then you just aren't looking hard enough. Namine had flawless everything, went to church every week, was world famous for being so happy, and was loved by all. Because, there is no such thing as a bad person.

"Hate to interrupt, but we heard Kairi's screaming. Honestly, it doesn't sound healthy. Not even slightly." Roxas gave an awkward smile, while the happy redhead danced her way over to Namine's ear. The two boys, both stared, wondering what she could be whispering. But they suddenly didn't want to know.

"ZOMFGWTFBBQ, THAT'S SO BEAUTIFULLY FABULOUS, KAIRI!"

"OH, SHUT UP"

Hedgy: So, I might have exaggerated a little bit on that one.

Fwattcatw 2: Ya think? That was completely inaccurate!

Hedgy: Try picturing that without the capslock. And suddenly it won't feel very  
>exaggerated.<p>

Fwattcatw 1 ...That's actually somewhat true.

Hedgy: And now that you know how to set the tone, there is just one more step to making the perfect romance fic. Do everything in your power to destroy Riku. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Make sure that this silver haired hot stuff, becomes a silver haired hate fest.

Fwattcatw 3: Hey! We do not do that to sweet, smexy, Riku!

Hedgy: Oh really? You never do that? Yet, in every highschool fic that you write, Riku takes the role of the school bully, the victim, or the guy who just gets the worst end of the stick at any moment. No matter how the story goes, that is guaranteed to be a part of it.

Fwattcatw 2: That isn't true! There is no way we would consider doing such a thing to my dear Riku.

Fwattcatw 3: Hey, what do you mean by "Your Riku?"

Hedgy: Ok, before you continue with your fighting over a fictional character, I'll leave you to study the many highschool fics out there. Have fun, proving me wrong.

Fwattcatw 3: Sure. It's gonna be easy.

(2 hours later)

Hedgy: So, care for an explanation?

Fwattcatw 3: Um... it's in character?

Hedgy: Ok, that's it! *pulls out gun and shoots Fwattcatw 3*

Fwattcatw 1 & 2 : HOLY F$ #%

Hedgy: Apologies. I just really didn't like her.

Fwattcatw 2: YOU KILLED HER!

Hedgy: To be fair, there are 500,000 other girls, exactly like her.

Fwattcatw 2: ...

Fwattcatw 1: That's not really the point.

Hedgy: Exactly. Anyway, now that you know how to make the perfect, romantic fanfic, you just need to let the readers know how amazing your stories are! Which is why, I'm going to teach you, how to make the perfect summary. All you have to do is ask a question about the story, which has a really really obvious answer. Like this!

"It's another year for Kairi Hikari at Destiny high. Will she find love?"

No she won't. She'll just have an average year, get tons of homework, pass her exams and then live as a farmer for the next 20 years. What do you fucking think? Ya know, just for laughs, I would love to see a fic where a question like this is included, and for once the answer is no. Can that happen? Please?

Now that we've covered the summary, you now have everything you need to make a famous, romantic kingdom hearts fanfiction, But, if you're going to be truly romantic, then you need a passionate sex scene. Because that scene will bring in, half of the teenage population alone! How do you write a "lemon" as they call it? Simple! All you have to do is write it with so much detail, that you sound like a biology teacher, explaining the various parts of the anatomy to a university class. Like this!

"Sora's sweaty hands reached up to Kairi's thighs and dragged her panties down. He stared in awe at her exposed core. It must have been, at least 10 inches long! The hair around it was shining red, which matched very well with the rest of her body. Remains of her precum were still dripping down her folds, but Sora was too focused on the circumference of her clit, to care. He couldn't tell what the circumference was, but maybe if he took the diameter, halfed it, and then-"

"Sora, can you stop staring and just do something already!?"

Fwattcatw 2: I am disturbed by how you managed to pull that detail off.

Hedgy: Believe me, so am I. But now, you know everything there is to know about romance fics. So now we can move on to the other genres. Most of which, we can throw right out the window. Because when was the last time you read a kingdom hearts fic with western in the category?

So, after throwing those useless categories out of the way, we are left with humour, angst, and friendship.

Fwattcatw 1: What about drama, and hurt/comfort?

Hedgy: They're basically all the same thing in the end. Better question. How am I supposed to make fun of humour fics, within a humour fic?

Fwattcatw 1: This was meant to be humorous?

Hedgy: That's what my dust-gathering, brain told me when it thought of this idea. This might be the first fanfic with a dark sense of humour in a while. Everyone else seems to think, that to keep the comedy in a light hearted fashion, nothing bad has to happen. Like, evar. This is especially bad, when combining with highschool fics.

I can see it now. Sora and Vanitas are about to have an epic fight to the death. But then Sora tells him a funny joke, he laughs, they say how wrong they were about each other, and then they ride into the sunset on a pink unicorn with fairy dust coming out of its anus.

Fwattcatw 1: Geez, stop it already! You make it sound like, we're just drones who only know how to smile!

Hedgy: ...

Fwattcatw 1: What?

Hedgy: Oh my god, you're right!

Fwattcatw 1: Well, of course I am!

Hedgy: They're all a lie! Every single one of them!

Fwattcatw 2: Uhhh, what's he talking about?

Fwattcatw 1: No idea.

I finally, get it now. So far, you, the viewers have gathered the knowledge, that to be successful, you need to always be happy. Which can mean, only one thing! All fanfiction writers are cybermen who have had every other emotion stripped away. So if you're reading this, you're probably an emotionless robot, who sacrificed their minds to be famous. How does it feel, you psycho? Yeah, I'm talking to you. Especially you, Kate!

I sincerely hope there is someone called Kate, reading this fic now.

Fwattcatw 2: What are you talking about? I thought this fic was meant to be about being popular at writing.

Hedgy: Oh come on. What else is there to say? Other than, if you are evar writing angst, just add vampires to everything because people eat it up like their wives were just covered in strawberry jam.

But it's not like it'll matter, as we've now discovered that you people, all sacrificed your minds for the sake of getting reviews. So kids, the moral of the story, is to sell your soul to get popularity.

Fwattcatw 1: Um, you ok there?

Hedgy: Oh yeah! Fanfreakingtastic! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to Kiome-Yasha's profile and pretend that her reviewers are actually mine. Goodbye, and screw you all! I have tears to drown in.

Fwattcatw 2: Wait, we're still tied up!

Hedgy: *slams door*

Fwattcatw 1: ...

Fwattcatw 2: Soooo...

Fwattcatw 1: Wanna make a fanfic where Kairi is captured and turned into Sora's sex slave?

Fwattcatw 2: HELL YEAH!

**A/N: I am a strange, strange person. So there are some things I should probably clarify now, before I get tons of hate. Firstly, I have nothing against fanfiction and I never will. Except for MPreg, that stuff is terrifying. Secondly, I don't care about getting popular at all, and I'm pretty sure it will always stay that way. Thirdly, I don't consider anything that I pointed out in this fic to be a problem. Even if it can get tiring. With that in mind, hopefully you understand and don't wanna kill me.**

**With that said, hope you enjoyed, please fav if you did. And don't forget to review this fic, or else, I'mma hunt you down and tie you to a chair. **


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